Thursday, August 11, 2011

SHUT UP, IKEA.


Until I moved in to the Frankenhouse a month ago, I'd lived in apartments my entire adult life.  Now that I live in a house, I find myself with space that needs filling, and I need furniture to fill it.  Specifically, I need cheap furniture.  I need cheap furniture that I don't hate and doesn't smell.  Hunting for furniture that would fit this three-part bill, I flipped through the Ikea catalog tonight.

"A home doesn't need to be big, just smart."
And what if my house is...bigger than it is smart?

I, of course, have a lot of Ikea furniture already.  Because it's sort of cheap, I don't hate it, and it smells like fresh-baked Scandinavian practicality.  


A couple of years ago, I had a co-worker who compared Ikea to crack.   His argument was simple and dead on: once Ikea sucks you in, you're a goner.  You taste the high of getting a relatively nice couch for $400, and next thing you know, you can't imagine spending more.  Once you're in for the sheets and comforter, you go back for the coordinating bath towels, and while you're there, you pick up a plant and a new set of dishes.  It's all so cute!  It's all so affordable!  It becomes your default supplier/pusher for...everything.


When he first told me this, I thought: oh, pish.  Sure they have everything, but it's great that they do!  Now though, I feel like I'm reaching the end of my Ikea rope.  Which makes me think-- what would an Ikea rope be called?  Smorgasbaardd? Skrëvgstád!  Gerfluffen.  Whatever it's called, I'm sure at Ikea, even something like rope looks like it comes from there.  I'm so tired of that eminently identifiable, see-it-coming-from-a-mile-away Ikea look.


Maybe there's an imp at the end of this Ikea Gerfluffen rope, and that's what nudged me to notice something about the catalog as I flipped through it tonight.  On several catalog pages, Ikea includes...witty asides?  Inspirational messages?  Subtle attacks on my personhood?


goodbye junk drawers?  haaaarumph.
i have two junk drawers, and thatworks.JUSTFINE.thankyou.


Hello, locating the timer.  Yes, my timer!  I can never, ever find that blasted timer of mine.  Because I am the sort of person who...times things.  


are you calling me fat, Ikea?

Seriously, is it?   "...get a plate, a fork, and the last piece of cake..."  Yep, I'm pretty sure it's calling me fat.

YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, IKEA.

"The easier it is to clean up, the sooner you'll get to your magazine."  Mmmm, so true.  My approach to clean up is really easy actually.  It's called 'read my magazine first, then take a nap and see how I feel.'


Haaaaaaaaaaaarumph.  I need a dining room table, a TV stand, a credenza (yeah, I said it-- CREDENZA), and a few other things, but I don't know if I need them badly enough to put up with this abuse!  Maybe it's time I walked away from my pusher.

3 comments:

  1. I think you know how I feel about IKEA. A house filled with IKEA gives me the willies. Long Beach flea market 8/21. LESSGO!

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  2. Yay! Comment posting possible again. I only wish I had something insightful to say about Ikea. It does seem to foster patience, puzzle-solving skills, and hand-eye coordination.

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  3. seen Fight Club?? you know how Ed Norton's character fills his apt straight outta page of IKEA...:)

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