Tuesday, August 2, 2011

SHE THOUGHT OF KNOBS.

Have you ever thought about your knobs?

I’ve thought about mine, a little bit.  The ones in the kitchen. The knobs on my kitchen cabinets now are pretty standard. Not offensive, but not anything special.  They look like this:




Nothing horrifying, right?  Just hanging out, unobtrusive.  Ready whenever you are to open this drawer or cabinet door.

I don’t mind this knob, but I do mind how bland my kitchen feels right now.  I’m trying to think of ways to make my kitchen feel aesthetically purposeful, without actually spending a lot of money.   We painted some of the walls yellow, which helped.   I thought another cheapish way to style the kitchen would be to seek out knobs with a bit more personality.

To find out more about knob options, I went to the Oracle at Mount Google and made a sacrifice of 20 minutes on the altar of my computer.  I am happy to report that the Gods of Search heard my plea.  Knobs come in an absolutely staggering variety of options. Apparently, if you can dream it, it can be knobbed.  These results are all from a website called—and I am not making this up— www.myknobs.com.   We’ll start with least bizarre, and go from there.

Basically Normal Knobs
Maybe your knobs are the same basic shape as mine, but a different color. But some folks like a bit fancier knob.  Right?  Maybe when it comes to knobs, you get really crazy with the cheese whiz, and you put on knobs like this:


Which, OK. You like a Celtic knob. Great! Let’s continue.


Maybe you have a Mediterranean kitchen, and this is just what you need?
No problem with this.  Moving on.


Whimsical Knobs
‘Whimsical’ is an actual category on myknobs.com; however, I would define this category slightly differently than they do.  In this category, I would include all knobs shaped like food or plants.  Kitsch knobs.  There are many knobs like this.  These are the knobs for the country kitchens or themed rooms or...maybe very specific businesses?

for a cabinet,
in a company that makes mushrooms





Some of these are kind of cute, in some contexts!  
But, not for me.
for people who want to confuse bees


Children’s and Animal Knobs
This is where things start to get a bit more interesting.  There are a lot of animal-shaped knobs, and many are intended for use in children’s rooms.  There are also children-shaped knobs, apparently also intended for use in children’s rooms?  Children of America, wake up to the diversity of knobs that your country provides!

1 dolphin.  Maybe you will always be alone.
2 dolphins! Maybe you are a kid with friends!

Maybe you have really strong feelings about live shrimp,
and want your dresser drawers to reflect that
.






Maybe you are a girl, and shaped like a triangle!


Maybe you are a boy, and won't mind 
how much your friends will tease you about this.


Maybe you...should not buy a knob that is a BABY’S HEAD.



Which brings us to...


Body Knobs (leeeetle bit NSFW.  barely.)
This is what it sounds like—knobs, shaped like body parts. Parts of all kinds, as we will see.  Parts innocuous:

Lend me your ears.


Can I give you a hand?


By a nose!


...and parts...uninnocuous. Parts nocuous. Allow me to present the buttocks knob:

I like knob butts and I cannot lie.


Let me also be the one to introduce you to the boob knob:


[.........speechless]



I almost want to go into knob sales now, because I feel like I’d learn so much about each customer based on their choice in knob.  Where are you from, Baby Knob Head Buyer?  What did your dad do for a living, Ear Knob Buyer?  What toppings do you like on pizza, Boob Knob Buyer?  Tell me your stories; leave nothing out.  What brought you to this knob decision?  Give me the details!  I want to know.  

3 comments:

  1. !!!!!!!!! Is there a man-meat knob? And by man-meat, I mean that wrinkly thing dangling betwixt a man's legs. I'm talkin about a penis!

    ReplyDelete
  2. http://www.myknobs.com/sokmh11201.html

    ReplyDelete
  3. How appropriate that this one is called the "manhandles pull."
    This is also when I really wish I didn't have anonymous comments enabled, because whoever you are, Manhandles Pull Commenter, I high five you through the Internets.

    ReplyDelete