Tuesday, August 23, 2011

FRANKEN-CARPETS.


Oh, these old floors of mine.  The floors of the Frankenhouse are...something of an issue.  Which, you know, it's a house.  The whole idea is that it houses me, on all four sides, with its houseness.  If a house's floors have issues, doesn't that compromise its very houseness?

My guess is that if someone asked you whether you wanted a house that has floor issues-- be they literal issues or figurative "issues"--  my guess is that you would say: no, thank you.  I prefer my floors free of both literal, structural issues and figurative, psychological "issues."  And you would be wise to prefer that!  At the Frankenhouse, of course, things are not always what you or I might prefer them to be.

Of the myriad floor issues, the carpeted parts of the floors have been the worst.  Not only could you feel underneath the carpet that the floor would sort of ...bob?...up and down?  But the carpets were bursting with dirty secrets.  Well, dirt.  And probably secrets.  Also, in three rooms, there were three different kinds of carpet:  



blue carpet!  in the office. 
so very, very much pee has been peed on this carpet.
i mean, by the previous owners' dogs.
my dog added her own touches when we moved in.
 


off-white carpet in my bedroom! 
i don't really know what kind of stain that is there.
it's a secret stain.
 


brown carpet in the hallways and 2nd bedroom! 
because hey, why not?
 

I bought the house knowing-- alright, I have a high tolerance for gross, but this is not gross-- this is actually disgusting.  I am actually disgusted.  New carpets, now. 

And so, I ventured forth in search of carpet, and I did discover many carpet families, and did also learn their customs.  One carpet was chosen, and Installation Day was awaited  by the Frankenhouse with much anticipation.  And lo, Installation Day did come.  And the Home Depot installers did come, and hark!  They did arrive on time.  And verily, they did bring the correct carpet, and the right padding, and they did also bring the skills to pay the bills, which did include carpet removal skills.   And the Frankenhouse was gladdened.

I'm not sure what I expected to find under the old carpets?  But I'm sure I didn't expect to find what we found.  Which was--

Under the carpet in my bedroom:

animal stickers.  from left to right: 
hatched chick, cow, giant gerbil? and...other cows?  big sheep?

this was also the room with the clouds painted on the ceiling,
so it's been a child's room?
or, childrens' room?
well, now it's mine.

 Under the carpet in the guest bedroom:

whaaaaaaaat? 
is that an IRON BOX OF SECRETS,
built IN TO THE FLOOR?

YES!  YES, THAT IS AN IRON BOX OF SECRETS,
BUILT IN TO THE FLOOR!

When the carpet installers discovered what one of them called this "escondite," they came and got me and were all excited about it.  And I got all excited about it too!  Because-- what?!  What sorts of things have been in there?  Why?  Who built this in the floor?  When?  So many mysteries!  

The carpet installers asked me if I wanted them to lay the carpet in such a way that I could still have access to the escondite.  I mean, I think that's what they asked me.  Sometimes, in a foreign language, it's the details that get you.  But I told them no, I didn't expect to be hiding anything in the floor of the house, so they could go ahead and lay the carpet over it normally. 

They looked a bit crestfallen about that, which made me like them a lot.

But in end, the carpet that is now laid on top of the stickers and the escondite is lovely.  So lovely, such a relief in it's lack of dirt and pee and secrets.  I also splurged on the highest grade carpet padding available, and let me tell you-- every time I set my feet on the floor, I'm so glad I did that.  The padding goes a long way towards making the floor feel more uniform and substantial.  It makes the house feel more like it really houses me, under my feet.  The floor now feels like it has fewer issues. 

The only odd thing is that the carpet is basically the same color and texture as my dog:

playing hide and seek

Nevertheless, Installation Day is a day of great delight and celebration throughout the Frankenhouse!  And lo, Installation Day will be remembered every year at the Frankenhouse, henceforth, and with much joy. 


10 comments:

  1. I like the camouflaged dog. :)

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  2. Yes, I'm commenting again on the same post. I can't believe you're not going to use your escondite. You should have at least put a time capsule in there! :)

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  3. Yes! I was thinking that, like-- I can't let this escondite go to waste, I can't *not* use it! But then, when I tried to think of what I'd actually put in there...I couldn't think of anything that seemed escondite-worthy.
    And you comment on any post as many times as you like!

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  4. Of course I can't sign in since I'm at work and signing in no worky at work, but this MIGHT be my "favorite" post yet. Literally, it was amazing.

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  5. Literally, that is nice of "you" to say!

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  6. I'd also like to add that the shoes you are wearing in those pics are a great option for work. You should wear them to work. Heyyo!

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  7. Ha! Well, who knows? I might do just that (again)!

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  8. I love the biblical sounding text... and verily they did install the carpet and the franken house was gladdened. And Hark! They did arrive on time. Cris, I hope you get paid to write this blog soon because it's awesome.

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  9. If we ever experience another Prohibition, that escondite will come in mighty handy.

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  10. True! And, turning the guest bedroom into a speakeasy could be much more fun and lucrative than having a roommate.

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