Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Trapped in the Closet,  the multi-volume R. Kelly musical saga full of twists, turns, midgets, and spatulas.  My literal closets are going to take me on a similar roller coaster.  I had a closet-building professional lady person come to my house today.  I wanted her to take a look, assess the damage, and help show me the way to a brighter closet day.  Alas, it didn't quite work out that way.

First of all-- somehow, it did not occur to me to prepare for Closet Lady's visit.  She came, and I realized-- oh! she will need to get to the closet and measure things!  This...may be tricky.  Because I'm not really 'moved in' to my house so much as I'm squatting in it, ignoring the chaos while I get other things settled.

Closet Lady and I started with the large bedroom.  It's large and bright!  And has an amazingly illegal closet.
what's illegal about this?  nothing illegal to see here, move along.
Closet Lady got in the closet, and started measuring and poking things.  I told her it was illegal, and she said they could still work with it.  She tapped on the walls, and said things like 'I don't know what kind of material this is' and 'I wonder why they put this here.'  She also pointed out the rough parts that I hadn't seen, somehow, before, really, or thought much about? like this:
ooops, was this illegal?  

or this?

ah well, laws schmaws.
Yes, that last picture is my hand, trapped in the illegal closet wall.  The inside feels like ...uncertainty.

Then Closet Lady and I moved on to the smaller bedroom, the one I plan to use:
big enough for...midget spatulas.
Pretty fabric!  The walls are made of putty and hope.
What I want to do here is extend the closet across the bedroom wall.  This bedroom is very small, and so I'd like to have as much space and closed-in storage as possible, so that the rest of the room can just be a bed and a few other small things.  I explained this to Closet Lady, and she got inside the closet and started tapping walls.  'These walls are hollow!' she exclaimed.  'I wonder what these walls are made of? They're not real walls, so I wonder what's behind them...but yes, I'm sure you can build what you're describing.'

She continued like that for a while-- tapping, frowning, murmuring 'I wonder why they did this?' over and over.

After she made some notes, we moved on to the final bedroom, which I plan to use as an office, and my dog has already used as a toilet.
hard to be trapped in a closet that has no door
Panicked, I asked Closet Lady if she could oh um, just wait out here in the living room for just a second?  Would that be OK?  I'll just clear up a bit, for just one second, I'm sorry!   I dashed into the room and threw open the windows so that the smell of pee would disperse somewhat.  The backyard has been too rough and full of crap for my dog to spend much time out there while I'm gone, so I've left her indoors all day while I'm at work.  When I forget to close the door to this bedroom, my dog takes the opportunity to add her own designer carpet touches, as it were.  

Once I got the windows open, Closet Lady and I discussed adding doors to this closet.  As we wrapped up our conversation, Closet Lady told me that I need to replace all the carpet in all the bedrooms before I actually contract with her.  I had assumed it'd be the other way around-- that I'd get the closets in first, and then carpets.  Sigh.  The order of operations of home improvements is something that I'm still learning.

So, I went to Home Depot tonight.  Me and Home Depot, we see each other pretty regularly now.  I went to look at several things, but got prices/ideas for carpet.  So many steps, so many things to figure out in the Frankenstein House-- just to have closets.  Mysteries, you might say.  Mysteries, that need to be solved.

He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”


  1. He walks up to the closet
    He comes up to the closet
    Now he's at the closet
    Now he's opening the closet...

  2. Now he's confronted by the smell of pee near the closet..